Part 1: The Pre-Histories

Having a blog is like raising a child. One of the reasons I enjoy committing to writing regularly is to reap the benefits of having a dedicated routine, similarly to watering plants or feeding the fish. But sometimes as a parent, you get into that panicky “oh crap, it’s 4 pm and the fish sticks aren’t defrosted” and you just kind of have to take the loss and take your kid to McDonald's instead. Now, I’m not sure if that’s an apt analogy because you and I both know that this kid is stoked to gobble up some chicken nuggies, but I guess we’ll see in due time whether or not I’ve totally dropped the ball or if I’ve become the best mom ever. My point is, I didn’t have a great idea for a way to begin exploring my childhood through the context of movies I’ve seen, and now it’s the day the blog is meant to go up, so I put something else together that I hope gives you just as much, if not more, satisfaction with what you could have gotten if I had planned this out better. And probably hypertension. Sorry, Timmy, this is America.

This is only tangentially related to this year’s theme of movies that have impacted my life but is something that I find equally fascinating in a different sense. Digging back so insanely early into my life that I can only remember half-faded split-second memories of watching Barney while eating fishy crackers and bizarrely specific imagery such as my second birthday cake being basketball themed, there are still those movies that have just always been a presence in life. They are the elders, ancient and powerful are they. They come from before the before. They shall be there when we fall.

1 – The Sound of Music

Even as a toddler only just beginning to form memories, I knew this was an odd movie. Like, it has such a unique aesthetic and pacing for a movie that makes it memorable, but not in a pleasing way. It’s like a three-hour romantic drama about a nun that… babysits like twelve kids? And doesn’t really do much else? For three hours? This movie has recently come back onto my radar after literally twenty years of not having thought about this movie even once. I came across the Wikipedia page of the family this was based on and learned that the real Maria Von Trapp was super not into Mr. Von Trapp (hmm I wonder why, could it be his abusive temper?) but that her fellow nuns told her she had no choice but to marry him because God willed it. Which feels kind of like a sinister move, and adds a new level to their played-for-laughs “we don’t like Maria, let’s get rid of her” motivations that kickstart the plot of the film. I’m just saying, I sense tomfoolery.

Back to my point, we had it on VHS and I considered it that movie that the adults watched after I went to bed. I’m pretty sure the farthest I ever got through it was to the “Edelweiss” song, because apparently the next hour of the movie involves like Nazis or something and I have no recollection of that or any song they sing after this one, so I’m pretty sure even on my bravest watch-throughs, this song was when I tapped out. And honestly what even is that scene? They’re all hanging out in the parlor room and just singing songs to each other for like twenty minutes of the runtime. Like, narratively I get it, Maria teaches them to sing and the puppet show is the unveiling moment where Mr. Von Trapp is like “hey not bad, maybe I won’t beat you all later tonight.” But then he’s like “hey, my turn,” and pulls out an acoustic guitar and sings like a four-minute slow-tempo love ballad that has nothing to do with the plot and it’s like dude, I get that we're two hours into a movie wherein nothing happens and I signed up for this, but now I feel like I'm being mocked now. The fifteen-minute non-sequitur puppet show was long enough. The lengths of these scenes might be exaggerated in this retelling, but as a kid where most movies were an hour with commercial breaks, three hours of a nun that teaches kids to sing is painfully dull. I’ve talked to a lot of people about this movie, and a lot of them remember the movie fondly from their childhood but usually if I get them to rewatch it, they’re like “ehhh… the fifteen minutes that I remembered from my childhood was good, but then there was like three more hours of it.” As for me, I only remember one oddly specific moment where Maria sits on a pinecone.

 

Riveting entertainment, it was.

In review, the Sound of Music is the darkest and most powerful of the elders. While enchanting to drama students and the elderly, it is violent towards children.

2 – My Fair Lady

I don’t have as many mean things to say about My Fair Lady, or truthfully all that much to discuss at all. It’s simply one of those movies that have always dwelled within my memory and I know we owned it on VHS because I remember the wicked cool hat she wore on the cover. Much like the Sound of Music, this is one of the few movies that despite having seen it a million times, I never deliberately sat down to watch it. At the age I was, movies were put on for me, and as such a lot of boring movies for adults (but still kid-friendly) were often put on. And this one way played A LOT. Probably more than the sound of music, which is funny because I remember absolutely nothing from this movie. Like, I’m grasping at straws. I already mentioned her hat from the VHS box cover, and already I’m like struggling to think of more stuff. Do I remember “The rain in Spain” from the movie, or just from social osmosis? I don’t know. Nor is it particularly important. My point is, I’m not even sure that this is a movie. It might just be a VHS box of a lady in a hat.

Pictured: Everything I remember about My Fair Lady.

In review, My Fair Lady exists within the faults of reality, leaving the minds of all who encounter it I broken shambles. It is the elder whom none can ever truly know, for all who have sought its healing light have come home empty shells of their former selves.

3 – Chitty Chitty Bang Bang/Mary Poppins

These will be the same entry on this list because as a kid I didn’t really know the difference between them. Like, okay quick, which movie has Dick Van Dyke dancing with a stick-like prop? Both of them. WOAH. That’s all that little me needed to be forever confused, and I was always disappointed every time I watched Mary Poppins that the funny flying car wasn’t in it. Out of these two movies, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang was BY FAR my favorite, and the only reason there won’t be an entire blog post surrounding how much I adore this movie with all of my heart is because it doesn’t pertain to the oddly specific theme of “movies that have impacted my life.” Well, I may have to make an exception. I still wanted to mention it on this list because of the silly conflation between it and Mary Poppins. And don’t get me wrong, both are masterpieces, but let’s compare my favorite scenes from both, and you tell me in the comments which one is clearly superior. (Answer: it’s Chitty Chitty Bang Bang).

In review, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is the most congenial of all the elders and does not have any ill effects. Summoning it brings good luck. Can easily be confused for Mary Poppins, a similar diety.

Quick Bonuses: Horton Hears a Who & Make Mine music

These two movies are more in line with what the blog will ultimately be about, that is to say these movies have distinct memories associated with them, as opposed to just existing within my consciousness for as long as I can remember, but they also don’t warrant entire blog posts so I’ll just put them here.

To begin mapping out my life, it must be understood that I have moved around a lot. Luckily this makes it pretty easy to break this blog up into distinct chapters. But for the purpose of this story, it only needs to be known that when I was just beginning to form memories as a wee lad, we lived in a place called Walla Walla Washington. And one day I was really sick. Now, only professional doctors will know what I mean when I refer to this scale, but I was between “throw-up sick” and “dizzy hot forehead sick.” Fizzy head and grumpy stomach, if you will. Again, sorry for the laymen out there who don’t know medical terminology. But anyway, we had a playdate scheduled between my sister and one of her playmates, and if I remember correctly, I was young enough to just kind of pilfer through their toys and keep myself entertained. But today, I was sick, but the playdate must go on, so they put me on the couch and put on a movie. This movie was the Horton Hears a Who cartoon. I don’t know why I remember this, nor is there much else to the story. But just watch the Wickersham Brothers musical number and just imagine being three and having a dizzying fever and tell me that’s not a terrifying combination

Click here to see the scene I'm talking about

Make Mine Music is another movie where I can only remember the box art anymore.

I stand by this, even as an adult; This box art alone is better than the entirety of the Sound of Music.

But I do have this very distinct memory of watching it at the same sister’s friend’s house, loving it to death, and even being allowed to borrow it to watch at home. I wanted to own this movie. Being probably around three years old, it’s not a stretch to say that I’ve never wanted anything more. And I remember pleading with my mom to let me keep the borrowed VHS tape. Like, I begged. Like, we don’t even need to ask. Mom, we HAVE it. We’ve already won. MOM, DO YOU NOT SEE THE POSITION WE’RE IN HERE. No luck. And I haven’t watched it since. Again, this movie may not even exist. I don’t know, because I haven’t seen it in like 20 years. ALL THANKS TO MOM.

Anyway, wow. This is a LOOOONG blog. Sorry. It was still easier than having to sit down and watch a movie and deconstruct its impact on my life so late into the due date. Hopefully these shorter entries give you a good idea of what the blog will be and hopefully you enjoyed it.

So, comment section, what are your “Elder” movies? What memorable movies haven’t you seen since you were two and might not even exist? Let’s discuss, or whatever. I’ve never had a blog with a comment section before and it’s either a terrible idea or a fantastic one. Only one way to find out.